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Dear Janice:
How are you? I am fine.
(unless you count constipation).
It hurts me to write this, but the
Arizona "situation" forces me to do it! Let's walk down memory lane for a bit - by that I mean to that summer day when we
all got into that huge Buick and crossed the George Washington Bridge for
the last time. I think it was somewhere between Ft Lee and Paramus
when Jessica first uttered the words I can still hear on sleepless nights: "Is it Arizona yet?!!" Well, Jessica, it wasn't
Arizona yet...but it is now!
I ask you to recall the above
westward migration because I want to make sure that you understand my role in the trek. I was asked by my darling cousins
to sort of come along, do some of the driving, change a tire, tell a joke and just be an overall nice traveling companion
to you and the kids. I was not forced in any way to do it. In fact, I look back upon those few days on the road with fondness!
Our 48th State seemed pleasant enough - you're still there after all these years, so I assume that you like it. (Please move on to the next paragraph).
Now let's talk
about the REAL purpose of this letter...The Arizona "situation." You know very well what I'm talking about; the whole country
knows what I'm talking about...even the whole world! Your lady governor (phooey!) signed into law, a law that makes following
the law, the LAW! What a concept!!!!
Now you may be
asking yourself the following questions:
What does this
have to do with Lewis? What is it his business? - he lives 2000 miles from here. Why is he complaining about Arizona laws
which do not apply to him? And most of all...why is he bothering me with this?
(Answers forthcoming - see below).
OK...let's
cut to the chase and be blunt. Everybody today hates Arizona. Not your fault, not my fault, not Obama's fault. (Maybe Cortez's
fault?) But putting the blame on anyone now is beside the point. I think it's time to get to that point, don't you? The point
is this...As you know, I have lived in Los Angeles for a long time. Over
those years, I have made many friends of the Hispanic persuasion. Some have come to "El Norte" by plane, some by car, but
most on foot. In the dark. At night. Where there are no roads. Where there are no cops. Only cactus and coyotes. We have shared
stories and experiences with each other, and they all know that I played a part in your migration (see above).
"Hey Luis...you helped to your
family to coming to Arizona...Dat's nice, man!")
I have been contacted
by a group who are still in California, who still consider themselves to be my friends (they
call me "amigo" which in their language means "friend." I think). Knowing of my relation to you, they have put before me the
following ultimatum:
"Either you denounce
your relatives in Arizona, or we will never speak (hablar) to you again. We will no longer contribute money (dinero) to the
B'nai Brith in your name, or do maintenance "freebies" at the Woodland Hills
Yeshiva which we promised we would do on your behalf when you left L.A."
So here's the bottom
line. (I think I took long enough getting here!) For the sake of my friends, the ones who cannot show the proper "papers,"
the sake of my favorite Los Angeles institutions which rely on friendly Mexicans, and the sake of my own immortal soul (after
all...I'm still a liberal!) I regretfully and painfully cut, sever, tear, rip, slice and spiritually annul myself from each
and every Arizonan I have ever assisted in coming to that place. Your governor is evil, evil, evil (muy mala).
Look. It was either
say good-bye to you...or to Pedro, Pablo Y Juanita. With a choice like that..what else could I do? Of course, if you ever
decide to leave that "Valley de la Sol," we can renew our ties which have lasted for so long. Enjoy the racism, xenophobia
and Tea Parties in good health!
Love,
Lewis.
PS. The above refers only two those who made the trip with me. Those born in Arizona are exempt! I'm sure that
will make them happy!
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Dear Lewis,
Sorry to hear about your constipation. Try some mineral oil or any of the stuff they sell at drugstores.
It was a tough choice to make, I'm sure, but you know best. As long as your "amigos" stay where
they are and don't encourage their "amigos" in AZ to drink and drive and kill and maim us, rob and rape us, as well as each
other. I'm sure you don't mind our tax dollars housing them in our jails and giving them our social services.
And don't forget their "barrios" that make them feel that they never left home....still living in
poverty and taking from us because they send whatever they earn back to Mexico
instead of paying their dues here.
This reply is just as "serious" as your e-mail. I still love you and think you are one of the funniest
people in the family, just as funny as Stu and Morty.
Hope all is well. Enjoy hearing from you......keep in touch.
Lots of affection from me and the family,
Janice
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