(This was in response to the flier she sent me about Tommy Tune's apartment being shown at a cocktail party).

I wouldn't buy an apartment from a dancing fag if my balls depended on it!!! And THEY DO!

I think that there's a law in New York that all prospective buyers of property which was owned by a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that!) must be made aware of that fact. If the agent keeps that a secret, and the new buyer gets AIDS...it's attempted murder! I don't want you to go to jail!

Now...Ain't you glad I sent this to your home computer rather than to Corcoran???? Now about that cocktail party: Somebody ought to put some of that yellow tape around the bathroom door. You know:

"POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS" .

Ilene wrote:

Dear S and L:

 Hope you and Sandye are having a terrific turkey. I'm going out to eat with the Lerners at a diner. They're going to be 91..it's amazing...I can't picture another 30 years. I'll be a raving lunatic!!!

love u Ilene.

Lewis responds:

Dear Lunatic:

I know that you won't officially be called that for some time, but I wanted to beat the crowd. Since you say you're unable to "picture another 30 years", allow me to assist you:

In 2034, Lewis is still a good-looking, healthy, funny, caring and compassionate "youngish" 91-year-old delivery boy. Of course, he'll be making his rounds in a solar powered wheelchair through the earthquake ravaged streets of Los Angeles. He'll have nothing to deliver since everyone has either been killed or moved away, but old habits die hard. Sandye will still be in a trailer. Only it won't be in Simi Valley. She now resides on the Planet Mongol X-360. Having married an alien from that planet who told her he wanted an Earth "green card", she was then forced to leave this world by President Chelsea Clinton. Since Mongol X-360 has very little gravity, she was able to qualify for the inter-planetary Olympic games and won a silver metal in the pole vault. She now is a substitute gym teacher and smoking instructor. Jerry has just completed a typing course, but is still without a job. He blames anti-semitism; even though the whole world is now Jewish since archaeologists found proof that Jesus was only kidding, Mohammed was a busboy in The Catskills and Buddha had his bar-mitzvah in a kosher Chinese restaurant in Miami Beach. Ilene is now the world's oldest Go-Go dancer. After the crowd stops booing, she lights a joint, and with the aid of a jet pack on her back, ascends a rope to the ceiling while the band plays "Anything for a Laugh". The booing now resumes. The last 25 years have been hard on Ilene. She was only able to sell one apartment - her own. Now, she and Jerry live in sin, in the back of a car on West 43rd street, hoping to catch the eye of a producer, even though there hasn't been a play on Broadway since the actor's strike of 2017.

Love, Lewis (see what happens when you get me started!!) ---

I can understand Jerry's tuna sandwich costing nine smackers. I wonder what the rent on a coffee shop in that neighborhood is! I suggest that Jerry drive you up to The Bronx once a week where you can do your shopping in a bodega. Or you can take the subway. Sound nice? I can see little old lady Ilene coming back on the Pelham #6 train, shlepping a shopping bag late at night. How cute!!!!! Shuffling along, wearing a black kerchief and her support stockings falling down on her sneakers.

I'm still looking for a job. (With one eye). I was offered a couple - but nothing befitting a man of my stature - I'm a little hunchbacked.