CHOICE NUMBER ONE
Yo, Melvin you little Putz:
Get off your well-fed behind and do something for someone other than yourself for a change, you greedy little
momzer!
Your ripped off Woody (a little putz in his own right), you ripped off Mary Shelley (ooh...a scary little Limey
broad) and you ripped off your own wife (please, Mrs Robinson!).
Now it's your last chance before your imminent demise to make up for all that crap, and help someone! Not just anyone...but
the most deserving person on Earth!
And you, you little so-and-so, you know of whom I speak! Ilene Biderman!!!!
Probation officer, Go-Go dancer, secretary, Notary, circus star and most important...Playwright. She's got a show
that must be performed. It has laughs, it has tears, it has songs, it has dances. Everything but a plot! But
who the hell needs that in this phony world which we call Broadway?
So I'm writing to you on her behalf. That's because she is all written out, and hasn't got one word of her own left. I
cry for the poor kid...and SO SHOULD YOU, you little bag of crap!
Find somebody in your perverted circle of friends who will produce her play, or produce it yourself, you old gasbag.
Sincerely,
Lewis Fox.(A big fan.)
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CHOICE NUMBER 2
December 17, 2007
Mr. Mel Brooks
Hilton Theater
213 West 42nd Street
New York, NY 10036
Kleiner Moishe:
A Bee Gezunt!
Ich hub a madel vus bist meine tyrer freint. Zee hust a bissele tsoris, un Ich bist shreiben eppes tsu du far helfen.
Bitte....zug tsu meir as du kenst tut eppes far zee. Af dem tug - o heint in der free.
Zee bist a Yid...Ich bin a Yid....un du bist a Yid ochet. Gut vays as du daft git zee helfen. Un Gut kenst zeen alle vus
du dost. Du hust der gelt...un zee hust der seichel.
A gezunt aff dein keppela!
Label.
Dear Ilene:
Perhaps you can use this as some sort of guide for a letter to Brooks. I don't know what else to say -maybe you do. Make
the appropriate changes, and feel free to borrow passages from letters number 1 and 2 and insert them where you feel they'll
do the most good. (Uh....maybe not!)
As always,
I remain,
In ghostly excellence,
Cousin Lewis.
CHOICE NUMBER 3
December 17, 2007
Mr. Mel Brooks
Hilton Theater
213 West 42nd Street
New York, NY 10036
Dear Mr. Brooks:
My name is Ilene Biderman. You don't know me, but along with your many fans around the world, I feel that
I know you.
While I don't know if you will ever read this letter personally, I am writing in the hope that perhaps you
will see it and give it your kind attention.
I wrote a play. It's called "Anything for a Laff". I produced it in Los Angeles where it ran for (three
weeks?) to very appreciative audiences and critics as well. Lots of songs, lots of dance numbers and most importantly, as
the title suggests, lots of laughs!
Needless to say, getting it to the stage in a theater in L.A. is quite a different story than bringing it
to New York - whether On Broadway or Off.
As you may have surmised by now, I writing this in the desperate hope than you can be of some assistance to
me in that endeavor. If there is anyone to whom you can refer me, who knows how to get my play seen (I have audios and videos)
I would be so appreciative!
I understand that someone in your position must receive pleas like this constantly, and I'm further aware
that I am asking a hell of a lot! But...one has to try everything when something so important is at stake.
Thank you very much for your kind attention.
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An AARP contest to write an inspiring story about Seniors starting a new carreer.
Dear Ilene:
It's very difficult writing about the hopes of anyone other than one's
self. But here's my attempt to do one for you. I hope you can use some of the ideas contained herein - I'm sure you'll want
to make lots of changes/additions/corrections. What I hope is that this will inspire you to come up with wishes of your own.
They usually are the best!
Love, Lewis
The next chapter.
There's one thing I can be sure of: The next chapter will be less exciting than the previous
50. Less exciting, but hopefully more fulfilling and easier on body and soul. Long gone are the days filled with anxiety and futile
hustle. No more worrying about the wants and needs of others while putting my own desires on the back burner. Now comes
ME! Let those for whom I sacrificed all those years be on their own path, while I start on mine.
I love the theater. Many times over the years I found myself on the brink of success.
The brink of acting, the brink of dancing, the brink of singing and even the brink of the circus! I hate brinks. It may be
a good armored car company, but other than that, I don't want to hear the word again.
As long as I have all my faculties, and may I say, a fair amount of talent, I will once
again enter into that fabulous competition known as show business. I have no illusions of super stardom. I'm too old
for illusions of any kind. Now I'm a lot wiser than I was a decade or two ago, and see even more opportunities! The
business of show is much more than just performing. There's producing, writing and even directing. And who can say?
Others have found success in their later years (don't you hate that term?) in a multitude of careers. Were they
all better equipped than I? I don't think so.
So look out Broadway, Hollywood and all points in between. I'm coming in with everything I've
got. The odds may be long and my time may be short. But I'm going to take the trip!
