We all know the story of Noah. Let me correct that: We all should know the story of Noah. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, heard the song, listened to the Bill Cosby monologue or even read the bible, I'll summarize the salient facts now.

The Lord said to Noah, in Hebrew, the only language the two of them understood, "Hey Noah, there's a low pressure ridge over the Mediterranean, and a cold front coming down from Canada." Now Noah said to the Lord, "Thanks Lord, now go tell somebody who cares!" Now The Lord was wroth with Noah. And when the Lord was wroth, he was really WROTH! But as we all know, or all of us should know, The Lord is a forgiving Lord. And because of His forgivefulness, and because He figured Noah never heard of Canada, He unwrothed Himself and spoke to Noah once again. This time, He made the message a bit more understandable; but still in Hebrew.　

The Lord said to Noah, "Listen son, what does the name Katrina mean to you?" Now Noah waxed fearful! He knew of the Lord's omnipotence, but believed the marketing slogan, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Noah fell to his knees and cried out in fear, "Lord....it was a one-night stand, a cocktail waitress in Caesar's, I was drunk, forgive me Lord!" But the Lord had forgiven Noah for that little escapade long ago; seeing how Noah's old lady used to strut her stuff in downtown Sodom on Saturday nights. "Not that Katrina", said the Lord. "I'm talking about the storm that blew away New Orleans last year!" Now Noah was still on his knees. He started to giggle as he slowly arose and looked up to heaven. "Oh yeah....I heard something about that...lots of rain...right Lord"?　

The Lord said to Noah, still in words from right to left, "That Katrina thing was just a drizzle compared to what's coming!" Then the Lord laid out the whole megilla: Forty days, forty nights, rain, rain and more rain. Everybody's gonna drown until they're dead. Everybody except you, the wife, the three boys and their wives. "Now go ye, Noah, and buildeth an ark. I want it to be big enough not only for your kith and kin but all the animals that roameth the world that I have created." Now Noah ceased from giggling, hastened to Birnbaum's Lumber Emporium and cleaned out the place: Two-by-fours, four-by-sixes, birch, walnut, knotty pine, sugar maple, cedars from Lebanon and even gopher wood that Birnbaum once tried to pass off as mahogany to unsuspecting out-of-towners.　

At last the ark was finished. Standing in the middle of a dry field it looked kind of funny. Some of the locals thought it was going to be a sort of trendy restaurant with a cruise theme; or a "Noahland" amusement park. But they were wrong, as we all know!　

"Let me try to clarify it for you, my son....Two by two - one male and one female, a boy animal and a girl animal, a he and a she, a guy and a doll, a Jack and a Jill, a mister and a misses. HAVE I MADE MY POINT?!!" Noah was remorseful. He fell to those same knees once more, and vowed never again to do shtick in the presence of the Lord. And the animals began to come.　

"The dinosaurs were a mistake - I know that my rep is perfection, but dinosaurs were a slip-up, OK? As for the vermin and the bugs, I've got special plans for them, especially in Egypt, but you'll be long gone before that happens. Now let's pull up anchor and get this ark under way!"　

When the great ship was on the high seas, on day 27 in fact, Mrs Noah got a little restless. Most of the animals had fur coats and she was still wearing last year's shmata. A 60% cotton 40% polyester house dress she bought at the Finkelstein's garage sale before they moved to a co-op in Jericho. By the wall. Big mistake! Anyway, she began to nag Noah about the situation.　

"All these smelly animals have it better that I do! Just look around! The minks, the foxes, the chinchillas, the camels...even the damn rabbits! Aren't you ashamed that your wife is embarrassed to be seen in public dressed like this? So Nu, Noah? What are you going to do about it?"　

PS. Just kidding about the 'sleep with the fishes' crack."　

And the Lord spoke to Noah. "I understand women like nobody else! Believe me, I've had to deal with them for a long time. Talking to snakes, forbidden fruit, cutting mens' hair.....hey, don't ask, I could tell you some stories! But as far as your Mrs is concerned, here's my advice: I never knew a dame who wasn't a sucker for a fur coat. And you're in luck. If you walk down the aisles of the ark you'll find a couple of hundred animals with fur to spare. All textures, all colors, all degrees of plushness. If you ask nice, I'm sure you'll find one who'll be glad to give you a little - just enough to make a nice little stole or maybe even a jacket. You asked me for advice? There it is!"　

So Noah heeded the word of the Lord. He walked down the aisles of the ark, starting in steerage and working his way up to first class. The zebra told him to get lost. Noah thought, that's OK, the Mrs doesn't like stripes anyway. The camel pretended to be asleep. The leopard just growled. The skunk wanted to make a deal, but Noah thought twice and moved on. The mink and chinchilla asked too much and the beaver was too busy working to even talk to Noah. The rabbits were pre-occupied. He finally got some positive reactions from both sheep. They agreed to let him take all he needed, but that was wool, and the Lord had suggested fur. There was only one animal left on the ark that Noah hadn't spoken to; the alpaca.　

But they knew who Noah was, and felt that he was not like those other people who were so mean. He seemed genuine, and they listened to his request. Both the he alpaca and the she alpaca agreed that a bit of fur was a small price to pay for the gift of life that Noah had given them. Since they were very near to the beginning of the alphabet, they had first-class accommodations. With portholes and private bath. They told Noah how much they appreciated that, and he then realized why the zebras acted the way they did!