So there I was....resting peacefully on my well worn sofa with one hand holding a can of Coke and the other holding a spoonful of ice cream, watching today's installment of "Leave it to Beaver". Then, the doorbell ringeth.

 

I yell out: "Who is it?"

"It's the post office...you've got another Christmas present from your daughter in New York!"

My daughter in New York? I didn't know anyone knew! I looked through the window and saw the tattooed postal lady again.

 

"Open the door, Mr Fox, and I'll hand it to you."

 

"I'm not allowed to open the door when Sandye's not here. Just leave it on the porch and get the hell out of here!"

 

When I was sure that the pickup truck was out of sight, I retrieved the package. "She's not my daughter" I shouted with delight. "She's my little cousin!"

 

Now lets talk about the contents of said package, Ms Managing Editor LJ.

First, the book. LANDSMAN. Somebody, I don't know who, wrote in letters too large to ignore, in ink, right on the title page "over written, poetically veiled, boring, what is he talking about?" Makes me want to jump in and start reading it right away. NOT!!! It's as if I sent a gift to someone, and wrote on the box, "attention!:  found in trash, probably broken, contains asbestos and lead, may be harmful if touched, may cause nausea, vomiting, dizziness."

 

Second, the Journal. I read with great interest, at first, anyway, the feature article on page 44. It was well written, except for a few teentsy errors which I have enumerated for your edification. Sing along with me:

 

12 misplaced commas

11 split infinitives

10 run-on sentences

9 dangling participles

8 needless colons

7 exclamations

6 question marks

5 Golden Rings

4 abbreviations

3 parentheses

2 hyphened words

and a subject I couldn't care about!

 

The important thing is that you are so well respected in your chosen field, (just as I am in the delivery business) that they trust you to write such a dynamic and ecologically correct feature article. And the fact that you are letting me have a glimpse into your working life, makes me very proud indeed.

 

I started reading "Shtetl". It makes me want to go out and kill a Kraut for Christ. Actually, I've felt that way for 64 years and this book just reminded me of the feeling.

 

You've made this the best Christmas EVER!