Dear Oprah:

I'm writing this letter to you on behalf of my cousin, who is the best person in the whole white world. Oops...I meant the whole wide world. She doesn't like shvatzas any more than the rest of us do, but since you have the number one show in the country, she'll make an exception in your case. Ilene, that's her name since Sammye proved to be a real loser as an alias, wants so much to be on your show. When you and your audience (mostly white, I hope) hear all about "Anything for a Laff" (that's the way colored folks spell "laugh" in case you forgot) you will want to see it, I'm sure. It's all about young people who want to be in show business. Some of them are white, some are spics, throw in a chink, a polack and a couple of arabs and you can see the potential for a Broadway blockbuster! They sing, they dance, they tell jokes and they talk real dirty. The B'nai Brith alone will be good for a couple of hundred tickets! Now I know, on first hearing about this play, you might say to yourself "What am dis shit?" But please, Oprah, you must give it, and Ilene, and yourself a chance. I saw the play several times - in theaters small and smaller. And I can truthfully say....oops, I meant and I can just say, that it is better that My Fair Lady (which had no blacks), West Side Story (which poked fun at Puerto Ricans) and Porgy & Bess ( which was written by heebs and made negroes look like trash) all put together. But more important than the play itself, is Ilene herself. During the Viet Nam war, this little girl used to go onto the battlefields and give aid and comfort to the soldiers. Not just the Americans, but the Viet Cong as well. A drink of water, a smoke, a warm smile, and even some obscene sexual contact. One Cambodian suicide bomber proclaimed "Man...that broad was easy!" just before he blew himself up. I know you will get many requests for inclusion in one of your shows from people who are boring, stupid, ugly, or a combination of all three. But this cousin of mine, did I tell you her name is Ilene? Anyway this girl is none of the above. She is interesting, intelligent and beautiful. Listen Ms Black America....I want you to do this for me! Once she gets a little air time, and that damn play of hers still goes nowhere, maybe then she'll really get the message that it's all over. She'll then realize that she has to work for a living all of her life, there ain't no Tonys in her future, she ain't gonna be a star, and she can get back to being a secretary! Then, when I see her in New York she'll maybe have something other than show business to talk about. Like the weather.

So Oprah, please seriously consider this request - for it comes from the heart. And if I know one thing about the coloreds, everything you people say and do comes from the heart. Like that Rap music that you people do so well. Lyrics like "Beat D' Bitch", Kill Dem Cops", and my favorite "F Whitey" are reflections from your soul. May the spirit of Dr King, the beauty of Whoopie Goldberg, and the humanity of O J Simpson be with you.